Pard House: Into the New, Gone with the Old, or Temporary as the case may be

[thewolfinside]

"You didn't have to be a fucking dick."

Thump.

"Well then next time, let me die because you definately didn't help. Hell, you probably made it worse saying the shit you did."

Thump.

"FUCK YOU. At least I'm not hiding things from Gabe."

Thump.

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it."
Thump-thump.

"Yeah, whatever. And one of us turned into a fucking dick, and it wasn't me."

Jason shuts off the phone and throws it, watching it skip across the water before finally sinking in the lake. He's hidden himself away on a tiny dock on the far side of the lake. He's been avoiding the others, mostly Gabriel, all day. He can't face his mate after what he did last night, after fucking up the way he did. He can't handle Gabe being mad at him right now, and is getting by on the assumption that Gabe won't leave without saying goodbye, and if he can't find Jason, then he can't say goodbye.

At least that's what he's hoping.

Comments

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

Not worrying about the furniture move. Letting the movers he hired see to it. Only his weapons and his laptop were hand moved by him.

And Ella.

And now she was on the floor in her beautiful new room, prisms casting rainbows on the floor and wall. Rainbows she happily chased, giggling madly as the fan made the crystals move, sending her scurrying in new directions.

It was beautiful. Perfect. A true family home for the pard.

And he was the fake that pretend he had a right to be there. The thought saddened him, pondering what to do, how to fix it and make it all right. To get back what he had. In his head it was gone. He'd lost it all. Even Nate knew it. And it was only a matter of time before, for the safety of the pard, the leopard came for him.

And he died.

[troubled-brat.livejournal.com]

"You know what I find funny?" Standing behind Gabe, watching over him silently until now.

"You are in here, ranting and raving in your head, envisioning this Nate guy killing you with an almost sensual desire. Out on the dock? Jason is hiding, panicked that if you can't see him, you can't leave him.'

Slipping past Gabe, dropping down cross legged to play with Ella.

"You are both so loud I have had three nosebleeds today, just trying to block you out. I'm likely going to suck up my pride tonight and ask Jase for a dose of my rapist's medication just so that I can sleep... Just so you both can be positive that the other is fed up and going to leave you. Ironic, no?


Looking up at him with those intense blue eyes.

"He forgives you. You forgive him. Now try forgiving yourself and shut the fuck up so I don't go insane and Ella can have her Daddies back, okay?"

Dismissing him then, turning back to Ella, tickling the girl until she fell over in giggles.

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

Stares at the water, eyes full of tears, can't help thinking about what he's going to lose. Knows that when it happens, he'll make Gabe stay, that he'll be the one to leave.

He deserved it though. Deserved to lose the pard, Ella. Wonders if Rhos will come after him when she learns that he fucked up, that Eirelyn and Canyon wouldn't be born.

Trembles, closing his eyes, seeing them. Ella, giggling with Gabe. Eire, their Kitten, smiling at him. A vague impression of Canyon, the son he'll never know, never meet...

"They should have let me die."

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

"Would you have prefered I slit my wrists or shot myself in the head then?"

Asked softly, barely more than a whisper as he stood at the end of the dock. Fighting hard not to throw himself at Jason's feet and beg him to live, taking his words as suicidal rather than defeatist. But he'd nearly died in that moment, hearing Jason's words and trying to imagine a time that the man he loved was dead, gone, away from him for good.

"Course, likely? They'll have to shoot me the day you leave. Put me down like a dog. I can't see me surviving it without ending up a slavering beast. She's right. I'm codependant as hell on you. And I'm not sure I care. I love you and... Please don't leave me."

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

Goes completely still, listening to Gabriel. He finally turns, looking at him, tears spilling over.

"I thought you were leaving, was going to say goodbye."

Holds a shaky hand out to Gabriel, biting his lip.

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

"Why.. How could I leave you, Jason?'

Asked with such acute pain, as if the very thought left him wounded.

"How could I live without you?" Not even hesitating, taking Jason's hand and yanking him to him. "I love you so fucking much. Please... forgive me for failing you.'

Kissing him hard, eyes tightly closed to hide his tears.

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

Pulls back with a harsh laugh, shaking his head.

"You didn't fail me, never. I'm the one that fucked up..."

Sighs, resting his head on Gabriel's shoulder.

"We're fucked, completely and totally."

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

Waiting until Jason's head was on his shoulder, when he couldn't see his mate's face.

"He was right, pup. All of it. I'm not.. I'm not strong enough to be Alpha. I... When I was alpha before, everything I did was for myself, to benefit me and Raina and the leeches. I don't know a damn thing about running a real pard. Not like this one where everyone is healthy and strong and... And when Nate, or Zane, takes the pard from me? Please, I have no right to ask but.. don't become their mate? Please? Second, sure. But... I know if I'm gone, I have no right to ask but... Please?'

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

"No, no. It's not going to happen, you're ours, we chose you. Zane or Nate, doesn't matter who tries to take over, we won't have them. They won't have them."

Doesn't look up, squeezes his eyes shut and clings to Gabriel.

"Mine. My mate, I'm dead without you."

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

Shaking his head as he leans back, gently taking Jason's face in his hands.

"If it comes to it, you have to make them pup. If I'm... gone, if I have been succeeded, then you have to make them accept whomever it is. Better them a pard together than meat apart.'

Vehemant, passionate in his words.

"Promise me, Jason. Promise me you'll make sure they're safe."

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

Doesn't open his eyes, trying to shake his head. Answers him, pleading, tears still falling.

"No. You heard the girls, were together, for a long time. Don't make me promise that Gabe, please.

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

"Do you think I want to? Want to leave? Want to die? Do you?'

Tears coursing down his face, shaking so bad he thought he would collapse.

"BUt.. Nate was right. Is right. I'm not strong enough. I'm not what you all need.'

Whimpering, yanking Jason closer.

"Love you. Love you. God, can't be without you. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Wish I'd ripped his throat out. Done anything but feel so fucking useless when he touched you like that.'

Snarling even as he cries, torn between anger and self loathing.

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

"He meant last night, that's all. He didn't mean all the time."

Trying so hard to believe this, hating his best friend right now.

"I'm sorry, sorry."

[lion-passant.livejournal.com]

"Don't. Don't apologize for him, pup. Just don't do it.'

Shaking his head, lifting his lips, kissing Jason over and over.

"I know he's right. I do. I'm trying. It's all I can do, Jason. Just... dont' know how to be a good Alpha. Only know pain. And force. Fuck. I almost killed you. Fuck."

[thewolf-inside.livejournal.com]

Clings to Gabriel, trembling.

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have pushed."