Jason stands in the middle of his room, looking at his closet, very upset. "What was I thinking to wear this crap? And this room. I need a manservant."
She pales lightly, looks away, then looks back at him, looking into his amber eyes.
"I had a ..interlude with him. An encounter, if you will. He did things to me that no one - if I wasn't my mother's child, I don't think I'd have survived as long as I did. It was a combination of such searing pain and ..."
She smiles ruefully, and shrugs. "He killed me -seriouisly killed me, and brought me back to life. Then did it again almost. No safety word involved... until even I couldn't take it."
"Don't know why he says he's one of my boyfriends - I don't consider the deities I care about to be boyfriend material They are my deities, there's a difference. And Mack seems too...over protective of me, too.. I don't know, possessive maybe. And I'll never go back to him without a safety word. Ever again."
Staring at her with those animal eyes, just watching her as she talks. And then as she finishes, he doesn't flinch, doesn't move. Just watches her with those baleful eyes. When he does speak it's soft, almost tender. If not for that way his nostrils twitch once more.
"And you loved it. Would go back with a safe word, trusting a man that did that to you with no consideration.'
A slow, cold smile curving his lips.
"And you say you can't handle my world as it is? That you couldn't be one of my pard as I ran it?"
"There is a difference. A big one. I did it because I CHOSE to do it. And when....if I go to him again - it will be because I choose to."
"It's not the sex - and now you understand why I'm not worried about you. I can't scar, at all. A gift from my Mom's bloodline. Or believe me I would be a mass of scar tissue right now"
She starts walking towards him, slowly, step by step, emphasizing what she was saying with slicing movements of her hands "He cut me up, left the bed, the walls, hell even the floor looking like a butcher shop, Gabriel."
Understand me, it's the independence of choice that I worry about in your pard. Not the pain, not the blood. It's the freedom to choose when and how.
"You know I went to the nexus about you and I. You know it came out and everyone basically said the same thing. Is that what this is about? Yer sudden brazenness and desire for me once more? On that rock you were afraid. I could smell if on you. Now it's all flirt and cocktease."
Leaning forward, putting those amber eyes on level with her own, close, close enough for him to feel the heat of his breath on her skin.
"Is this about choosing me because everyone says not to? Because every told me that I touch you and I die?"
"No, I didn't choose for him to do all that to me. But I allowed it - never once said no, or stop - not the first time when he killed me, and not until the end the second time".
Flippantly she continued "And if we were being serious, I'd probably be afraid again. I don't enjoy pain, not for it's own sake. In combination with pleasure, sure. But it still hurts. And I've been beaten, before - broken ribs, and all..not fun. And I don't know you. I think I do, but I'd don't know.
But if you believe I actually give a flying fuck what anyone else says about what I should and should not do, you have another thing coming. If you're as good as I think you are, you know I desired you from the first moment we started talking. That has never changed.
I was scared you'd try to make me - and - I was afraid of you, and that you'd take my choice away.
I take that back, not afraid that you'd take my choice, but that I'd want to give it up - that I'd beg you to make me, to take me again.
Shrugging his shoulder, head snapping up as a sound from the other room caught his attention. Holding up a finger, seeing Jason and the changes taking over him once more. Glancing back at Leela before shifting, changing position. But not leaving. Not yet.
"I could make you beg. Could have on that rock. Or here last night over Jason's comatose body. Yer a sexual creature, Leela and I can scent you every time you start to think about everthing I could do to you. And it's why I don't, Dollface. I could do everything I have before. I could make you kill for me if I wanted. But that's not the way I want things."
"No..no you can't.. I've gotten around that, you can't, not right now.." She takes a step back.
Her eyes narrow, her words quiet yet defiant "You would do..over Jason's - no fucking way..." stops, listens to him some more. She hisses quietly as he speake of her killing for him, her eyes throwing daggers into his own.
Then,confused once more, she shakes her head "Then what do you want Gabriel? What way do you want things? I don't know if you don't tell me. You know what I don't want. I've made that clear enough. What do you want?
Pausing, looking back, seeing those brilliant blue eyes, that shock of blonde hair. Shaking his head softly, eyes softening a little as he looked back at Leela.
"I want him healthy, complete. And not fearing Raina. I want Nathaniel to never have to have that haunted look in his eyes that I once knew. I want Lil to know that pack means family and not pain and heartache."
Voice rising, not angry, just caught up in it all.
"I want a pard. A true pard. And I don't give a fuck if it's all leopards or not. It's about the family. The connection."
Rolling his shoulders, glancing back once more.
"I want to fucking belong, not be a tool. I want to... Forget it. Does it really fucking matter? No. Because I keep telling everyone. I get two things. To kill and to fuck. That's my life, Dollface. Suck it up."
Caught up in his vision, her gaze softens, but then..
"Stop it, Damn you stop it right now. You are the only person putting chains on yourself here. You are the one ripping yourself over the coals of your past. Everyone here - Jason, Nate - everyone is willing to give you the chance that you don't seem to want to give yourself."
Furiously, she continues, her voice low and deadly.
"Snap out of it. You have a new life and a new chance to live, a family - all of it".
"But if you want to wallow in your self inposed prison, I certainly can't help you. And I won't kill you and put you out of your misery either."
"So suck it up Alpha Male."
She goes to walk by him, too angry to stay any longer.
Not a word. Not a single sound. Just those glaring, bright, golden eyes. Following her lips, flickering to her eyes. Watching her with all of the coldness that lived within his soul. The eyes of a predator trying to decide whether to eat her or toy with her.
But as she moves to pass, his arm shoots out, blocking the way.
"One thing, Dollface. You can't have it both ways. You can't have that thrill, that lust, that need for a man that can kill you and have him acceptin his position as a true Alpha, as a leader and as a loving beast. See, it doesn't work that way, Doll."
Lifting his arm, clearing her way.
"I can't be everything to everyone. Not even to myself."
"Then be true to yourself and what you were meant to be. And you were meant for better things than you've given yourself - or given yourself credit for."
"Never once said you couldn't lean on the people around you - that is what family is for, right? Even leaders need people around them, people who care, who will be there to hold, to care, to help- and even people who will tell the truth as they see it, whether the leader likes it or not."
"I can handle me, I'm not worried. But I'am worried about Jason, about Lil, and Nate. And I'm very worried about you. Very much so."
"And you don't think I'm not? I'm watching Jason being eaten away by that fucking shit in his head, in his soul. And I don't know how to help him. I have a damn good idea but.. But he's stronger than the one I knew. And as such, I don't know how much his willpower versus my efforts will go."
Shaking his head, hands clenching until tight balls until blood seeps through his fingers.
"Don't worry about me, Doll. No point. I'll sink or swim. There is no other choice. Because another alpha comes through here and wants to take Lil? Or Jason? Hell, maybe Nate, I don't know this Nate well enough to know how Alpha is he. But he tries? I'll either kill or be killed. How it goes. My throat or his."
"But at least you are willing to try. That's a fuck of a lot better than the self destructive verbal beating that I've listened to you say time and time again."
She leans in close, looking up at him, midnight blue eyes full of fire "And I will continue to worry about you until I decide you no longer need me worrying about you. And that will not be for a long time. Get used to it, now."
"I don't know why you'd go through it, Dollface. That's all. Nothing worse than a broken shifter than a broken alpha. And I just don't know how fractured I am."
Leaning closer, kissing her nose.
"I'm going in to holdcheck on my patient. See how he's doing. Joining us or going home?"
Lil slips pass Gabriel as Leela leaves, and looks at him, worried. She starts to clean up the bathroom, only looking up when Nathaniel walks in from his room.
Nate comes in through his door, arches a brow at the tension and starts helping Lil clean up. He opens the shower door, looks in and sighs at the mess of shampoo and body wash on the floor.
"Well, tomorrow? You can have more hits. All you want. But.. I have a prior engagement."
Grinning at Lil, nodding politely to Nathaniel, Gabriel slips from the bathroom and into the bedroom, easily taking Jason's hand and sliding up next to him in bed.
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no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 05:37 (UTC)Snorting, rolling those golden orbs.
"Because, you know, I tried to figure shit out and all I got was hell."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 05:49 (UTC)"I had a ..interlude with him. An encounter, if you will. He did things to me that no one - if I wasn't my mother's child, I don't think I'd have survived as long as I did. It was a combination of such searing pain and ..."
She smiles ruefully, and shrugs. "He killed me -seriouisly killed me, and brought me back to life. Then did it again almost. No safety word involved... until even I couldn't take it."
"Don't know why he says he's one of my boyfriends - I don't consider the deities I care about to be boyfriend material They are my deities, there's a difference. And Mack seems too...over protective of me, too.. I don't know, possessive maybe. And I'll never go back to him without a safety word. Ever again."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 05:55 (UTC)"And you loved it. Would go back with a safe word, trusting a man that did that to you with no consideration.'
A slow, cold smile curving his lips.
"And you say you can't handle my world as it is? That you couldn't be one of my pard as I ran it?"
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 06:07 (UTC)"There is a difference. A big one. I did it because I CHOSE to do it. And when....if I go to him again - it will be because I choose to."
"It's not the sex - and now you understand why I'm not worried about you. I can't scar, at all. A gift from my Mom's bloodline. Or believe me I would be a mass of scar tissue right now"
She starts walking towards him, slowly, step by step, emphasizing what she was saying with slicing movements of her hands "He cut me up, left the bed, the walls, hell even the floor looking like a butcher shop, Gabriel."
Understand me, it's the independence of choice that I worry about in your pard. Not the pain, not the blood. It's the freedom to choose when and how.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 06:23 (UTC)Smirking, a slight arching of one brow.
"You know I went to the nexus about you and I. You know it came out and everyone basically said the same thing. Is that what this is about? Yer sudden brazenness and desire for me once more? On that rock you were afraid. I could smell if on you. Now it's all flirt and cocktease."
Leaning forward, putting those amber eyes on level with her own, close, close enough for him to feel the heat of his breath on her skin.
"Is this about choosing me because everyone says not to? Because every told me that I touch you and I die?"
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 06:48 (UTC)Flippantly she continued "And if we were being serious, I'd probably be afraid again. I don't enjoy pain, not for it's own sake. In combination with pleasure, sure. But it still hurts. And I've been beaten, before - broken ribs, and all..not fun. And I don't know you. I think I do, but I'd don't know.
But if you believe I actually give a flying fuck what anyone else says about what I should and should not do, you have another thing coming. If you're as good as I think you are, you know I desired you from the first moment we started talking. That has never changed.
I was scared you'd try to make me - and - I was afraid of you, and that you'd take my choice away.
I take that back, not afraid that you'd take my choice, but that I'd want to give it up - that I'd beg you to make me, to take me again.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 06:53 (UTC)Shrugging his shoulder, head snapping up as a sound from the other room caught his attention. Holding up a finger, seeing Jason and the changes taking over him once more. Glancing back at Leela before shifting, changing position. But not leaving. Not yet.
"I could make you beg. Could have on that rock. Or here last night over Jason's comatose body. Yer a sexual creature, Leela and I can scent you every time you start to think about everthing I could do to you. And it's why I don't, Dollface. I could do everything I have before. I could make you kill for me if I wanted. But that's not the way I want things."
Looking deadly serious, tones low, rumbling.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:05 (UTC)Her eyes narrow, her words quiet yet defiant "You would do..over Jason's - no fucking way..." stops, listens to him some more. She hisses quietly as he speake of her killing for him, her eyes throwing daggers into his own.
Then,confused once more, she shakes her head "Then what do you want Gabriel? What way do you want things? I don't know if you don't tell me. You know what I don't want. I've made that clear enough. What do you want?
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:12 (UTC)"I want him healthy, complete. And not fearing Raina. I want Nathaniel to never have to have that haunted look in his eyes that I once knew. I want Lil to know that pack means family and not pain and heartache."
Voice rising, not angry, just caught up in it all.
"I want a pard. A true pard. And I don't give a fuck if it's all leopards or not. It's about the family. The connection."
Rolling his shoulders, glancing back once more.
"I want to fucking belong, not be a tool. I want to... Forget it. Does it really fucking matter? No. Because I keep telling everyone. I get two things. To kill and to fuck. That's my life, Dollface. Suck it up."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:22 (UTC)"Stop it, Damn you stop it right now. You are the only person putting chains on yourself here. You are the one ripping yourself over the coals of your past. Everyone here - Jason, Nate - everyone is willing to give you the chance that you don't seem to want to give yourself."
Furiously, she continues, her voice low and deadly.
"Snap out of it. You have a new life and a new chance to live, a family - all of it".
"But if you want to wallow in your self inposed prison, I certainly can't help you. And I won't kill you and put you out of your misery either."
"So suck it up Alpha Male."
She goes to walk by him, too angry to stay any longer.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:28 (UTC)But as she moves to pass, his arm shoots out, blocking the way.
"One thing, Dollface. You can't have it both ways. You can't have that thrill, that lust, that need for a man that can kill you and have him acceptin his position as a true Alpha, as a leader and as a loving beast. See, it doesn't work that way, Doll."
Lifting his arm, clearing her way.
"I can't be everything to everyone. Not even to myself."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:38 (UTC)"Never once said you couldn't lean on the people around you - that is what family is for, right? Even leaders need people around them, people who care, who will be there to hold, to care, to help- and even people who will tell the truth as they see it, whether the leader likes it or not."
"I can handle me, I'm not worried. But I'am worried about Jason, about Lil, and Nate. And I'm very worried about you. Very much so."
"So stand the fuck back up and be what you are"
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:46 (UTC)Shaking his head, hands clenching until tight balls until blood seeps through his fingers.
"Don't worry about me, Doll. No point. I'll sink or swim. There is no other choice. Because another alpha comes through here and wants to take Lil? Or Jason? Hell, maybe Nate, I don't know this Nate well enough to know how Alpha is he. But he tries? I'll either kill or be killed. How it goes. My throat or his."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:55 (UTC)She leans in close, looking up at him, midnight blue eyes full of fire "And I will continue to worry about you until I decide you no longer need me worrying about you. And that will not be for a long time. Get used to it, now."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:59 (UTC)"I don't know why you'd go through it, Dollface. That's all. Nothing worse than a broken shifter than a broken alpha. And I just don't know how fractured I am."
Leaning closer, kissing her nose.
"I'm going in to
holdcheck on my patient. See how he's doing. Joining us or going home?"no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 08:03 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:29 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:31 (UTC)"Damn you Jason."
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:34 (UTC)Sounding tired, shoulders slumping.
"Lil? You okay?"
Trying hard to sound calm, normal. Gabrielish.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:38 (UTC)"Oh, I'm peachy keen, Sweets."
Grinning, a "What me worry?" kind of smile.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:40 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:42 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:48 (UTC)Grinning at Lil, nodding politely to Nathaniel, Gabriel slips from the bathroom and into the bedroom, easily taking Jason's hand and sliding up next to him in bed.
no subject
Date: 19 Jun 2005 07:49 (UTC)